Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
