I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
not ubering you a puppy
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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