2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
