6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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