for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My ATM looks so different sober.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
