Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
