I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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