Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
