I faked an abortion last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
