I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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