he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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