i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
