y did u give ur computer a hand job?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
