just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
