What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
