he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
