apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
