honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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