this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
