I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
