im six kinds of drunk right now
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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