he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
