At least make sure they are 18
Why
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
