i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm at about main and main street
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
