I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize