Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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