She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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