So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He better not be in your backpack
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
