She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
