U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize