i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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