If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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