if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
