Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
