woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
