put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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