I smell stomach acid.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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