True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
