Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
