I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I touched a dick in church today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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