Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
