I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize