do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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