Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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