So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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