if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
