smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
