while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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