Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize