Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Is it because I queefed?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
