and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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