Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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