Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
