she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
