there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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