My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
