The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize