so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
