I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
