idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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