if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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